Fewer things, More life

I need help. I must finally admit that I have a problem. Well, we all have problems, and I know I have more than just one, but I currently have a serious problem.

As I have written before, I had a major mental health crisis in February, resulting in a suicide attempt and hospitalization. I left my job. As lovely and healing as it has been to be a homemaker at long last, I am still dealing with mental health issues. Some people turn to food. Some people turn to sex or alcohol. After a completely unnecessary string of purchases well over $100 in the last three days, I have come to realize that I have a shopping problem. 

Did you see that: I LEFT MY JOB. I am not getting paid. I am not receiving disability payments yet. I don't even know if I will. What in the blazes is wrong with me? My husband's work can barely cover our basic expenses. Barely. I am ashamed of myself, sick to my stomach. I cried out to God for help today. 

It looks as though I have replaced talk therapy with retail therapy. I haven't gone to a therapist because I would have to pay out of pocket, but that's exactly what I've been doing at the shops! I could have paid for at least three or four therapy sessions by now. I feel disgusting. 

Truthfully, I don't think seeing a therapist really helped me. There was a short period since I came home when I really was present here at home, not out shopping or buying things online. I was truly investing my consciousness into homemaking. That is what has been healing me.

This craving to buy things is another symptom of my illness. Giving in to it does not help, considering we really can't afford it. But beyond the financial concern, I have noticed my anxiety has gone back up. I am having strange dreams. My fulfillment in the home is down. I feel scattered, and honestly queasy. My place is in the home, not in the store.

I need to get back to basics and STOP buying things. I have prayed to God to help me ONLY purchase food from now on. The only expenses we have outside of rent and bills are gas and food. We don't have a child. We don't have a pet. We don't NEED anything besides gas and food. 

My husband has all the clothes he needs. So do I. We have everything we need for the home already. I even have the raw materials to make a few more batches of sunscreen and lip balm. I have tons of tea and herbs. I have my essential oils. We have a working computer and appliances. We are OK. 

I want to undo the last several weeks of shopping. I don't even remember what I've bought, in order to return some items. Dear Lord, what an embarrassment it was when my husband noticed the bank statement on the couch that I forgot to file away. He opened it and quizzed me on all my purchases. I don't blame him in the least. I was already feeling disgusted with myself; that made it just so much worse. He works so hard for so little, and here I am store-hopping, having a good old time at his expense. 

My goal is to be home when the last couple of Amazon purchases are delivered, to quickly put everything away and not remind him of my foolishness. Some of the things I bought really are useful, like the lavender oil that helps me sleep, and dish soap, but most of it is unneeded. I need help, but all I have for assistance is prayer and willpower. God willing, I can do this.