Oh my gosh, please stop using "source" as a verb!
I am a faithful reader of several real-food and natural living websites, but so far, God bless them, every single one has the faux "verb" source all over it! "Where do you source your grass-fed meat?" "It is hard for people in rural areas to source extra-virgin coconut oil." For heaven's sake! Find! You meant to say find!
A source is a noun. You can find, you can locate, but you CAN NOT source! It's become so commonplace, I don't know what to do. It's almost worse than "game-changer." Ugh. The trendiness kills me. It's as though you must speak thus in order to be welcomed into the real-food/holistic health tribe. I refuse to be pressured into sourcing anything.
I happily LOCATED local, organic grass-fed ghee today. I bought it from a trusted SOURCE. The End.
Friday, May 19, 2017
Growing Up and Growing Out
Things I've grown out of:
Television. I don't think I need to explain.
Star Wars. I was a huge Star Wars fan in my late teens and early twenties. When my sister gave me Star Wars pajamas one recent Christmas, I didn't have the heart to tell her that I now find it greatly unappealing. The original series was better for adults; the newer movies are totally sold-out to the kids. Either way, my days of fandom about anything are over.
Peanut Butter. Please, let's move beyond peanut butter. We're grownups now. There are other better butters out there- almond, sunflower seed, cashew, tahini. They are usually less processed/adulterated, and may be healthier than peanut butter. And really, peanuts are not real nuts. And there are also better ways of making a sandwich than using any nut butter and sugary jam. There's hummus, aioli, tabbouleh. And there are better (read: more grownup) foods out there than sandwiches!
Wearing lots of makeup. I understand everyone's style and priorities are different, but for me, wearing lots and lots of makeup was my childish way of dealing with severe insecurity brought on by teasing from peers early on. Until I reached about twenty, I thought I was ugly without makeup.
Rock music. I really truly believe that the majority of rock music is adolescent. I thought it was cool when I was a teen. Then I discovered classical, jazz, and world music. There are some really good rock songs, particularly older ones (1999 and on back), but in general, I feel that the genre is too noisy, petulant and self-important. Exceptions are there, but you have to hunt for them.
Drinking soda. I may have one every now and again, especially while traveling or among family (who chug it like there's no tomorrow), but I'm really over it. Besides knowing the health risks, I truly prefer tea, kombucha, coconut water, plain water, the occasional juice. Soda is overrated, unhealthy and a waste of resources.
Things I've grown into:
Taking care of my health. Being seemingly impervious to the weight gain that the rest of my family is burdened with, I thought I could just do whatever the heck I want and be totally fine. There is such a thing as "skinny fat." I had/have thyroid issues, crazy acne, mental health problems, severe anxiety, low energy (but still "wired"), insomnia, low muscle tone, and upper back pain. Now I do my best to eat real food, get real sun, exercise physically and mentally, and avoid toxins as much as possible.
Making my own things. This one is related to the health issue, but also it's an economic and self-fulfillment issue. I don't make everything, of course, but I'm trying to make as much as my little peabrain can figure out. Toothpaste, deodorant, herbal remedies, sunblock, lip balm, lotion, salad dressing, cloth napkins, cleaning cloths (to replace paper towels), and greeting cards. I used to knit, but haven't in years. I never got past the basic knit stitch. But my husband has a beautiful scarf to prove my past effort. Making things brings a new appreciation and joy to my home life and saves us some dollars. Plus it engages the creative and tactile senses.
Silence. I used to marvel at the fact that my aunt always drives without music. How could she, I thought! Well, I have discovered that the older I get, the less noise I want around me. Maybe it's a maturity thing, too. I like the sound of my own thoughts figuring themselves out. I like listening for the voice of God. I don't need constant auditory input to fill any emptiness inside me. I'm content without it. I love music, but I don't need it constantly. Same with chatter.
Radio. I loved listening to the radio as a youth but I eventually traded it for MTV and CD's. Once again I am rediscovering the peaceful, passive pastime of listening to the radio. I like to hear the DJ's talk about the music and local events. I like to hear musician interviews and live in-studio performances. I like to hear talks and literature readings. I like to hear A Prairie Home Companion. Notice that I'm not listening to the top 40 stations. You won't hear DJ's on commercialized stations talk about the quality of the music, or interview local musicians, or really do any local anything. My dad regaled me with stories about his old radio shows from the 30's and 40's. If you look hard enough, you can still find good old fashioned radio.
Spending time in nature. This is also health-related, mostly mental health, but it's also just nice to get to know your local parks and wildlife. I recently read that doctors in my area are prescribing and facilitating park excursions for patients in low-income neighborhoods. Fantastic. It's really true that 90% of the people you see in the regional parks are affluent whites. Anyway, whether it's a trip to the hills, a hike in the woods, or a walk to the Marina Park, I try to get some nature in everyday. My mom would be proud; she could never get me to come out and dig in the garden with her, much less venture into a park.
Talking to people who aren't in my circle. This is easier to do when you're a pedestrian out and about in the community, which is also good for your health! But it's been good to expand my horizons by talking with others. I've talked to many elders, people from other countries, other cultures, and other religions. Even taking the time to talk with shopkeepers, farmers at the market, and other vendors is enriching. So many people go about their day only talking to their immediate family and tight circle of friends. They barely give the person behind the coffee bar the time of day. I feel blessed by the diversity of my community, and blessed by the conversations I've had.
Television. I don't think I need to explain.
Star Wars. I was a huge Star Wars fan in my late teens and early twenties. When my sister gave me Star Wars pajamas one recent Christmas, I didn't have the heart to tell her that I now find it greatly unappealing. The original series was better for adults; the newer movies are totally sold-out to the kids. Either way, my days of fandom about anything are over.
Peanut Butter. Please, let's move beyond peanut butter. We're grownups now. There are other better butters out there- almond, sunflower seed, cashew, tahini. They are usually less processed/adulterated, and may be healthier than peanut butter. And really, peanuts are not real nuts. And there are also better ways of making a sandwich than using any nut butter and sugary jam. There's hummus, aioli, tabbouleh. And there are better (read: more grownup) foods out there than sandwiches!
Wearing lots of makeup. I understand everyone's style and priorities are different, but for me, wearing lots and lots of makeup was my childish way of dealing with severe insecurity brought on by teasing from peers early on. Until I reached about twenty, I thought I was ugly without makeup.
Rock music. I really truly believe that the majority of rock music is adolescent. I thought it was cool when I was a teen. Then I discovered classical, jazz, and world music. There are some really good rock songs, particularly older ones (1999 and on back), but in general, I feel that the genre is too noisy, petulant and self-important. Exceptions are there, but you have to hunt for them.
Drinking soda. I may have one every now and again, especially while traveling or among family (who chug it like there's no tomorrow), but I'm really over it. Besides knowing the health risks, I truly prefer tea, kombucha, coconut water, plain water, the occasional juice. Soda is overrated, unhealthy and a waste of resources.
Things I've grown into:
Taking care of my health. Being seemingly impervious to the weight gain that the rest of my family is burdened with, I thought I could just do whatever the heck I want and be totally fine. There is such a thing as "skinny fat." I had/have thyroid issues, crazy acne, mental health problems, severe anxiety, low energy (but still "wired"), insomnia, low muscle tone, and upper back pain. Now I do my best to eat real food, get real sun, exercise physically and mentally, and avoid toxins as much as possible.
Making my own things. This one is related to the health issue, but also it's an economic and self-fulfillment issue. I don't make everything, of course, but I'm trying to make as much as my little peabrain can figure out. Toothpaste, deodorant, herbal remedies, sunblock, lip balm, lotion, salad dressing, cloth napkins, cleaning cloths (to replace paper towels), and greeting cards. I used to knit, but haven't in years. I never got past the basic knit stitch. But my husband has a beautiful scarf to prove my past effort. Making things brings a new appreciation and joy to my home life and saves us some dollars. Plus it engages the creative and tactile senses.
Silence. I used to marvel at the fact that my aunt always drives without music. How could she, I thought! Well, I have discovered that the older I get, the less noise I want around me. Maybe it's a maturity thing, too. I like the sound of my own thoughts figuring themselves out. I like listening for the voice of God. I don't need constant auditory input to fill any emptiness inside me. I'm content without it. I love music, but I don't need it constantly. Same with chatter.
Radio. I loved listening to the radio as a youth but I eventually traded it for MTV and CD's. Once again I am rediscovering the peaceful, passive pastime of listening to the radio. I like to hear the DJ's talk about the music and local events. I like to hear musician interviews and live in-studio performances. I like to hear talks and literature readings. I like to hear A Prairie Home Companion. Notice that I'm not listening to the top 40 stations. You won't hear DJ's on commercialized stations talk about the quality of the music, or interview local musicians, or really do any local anything. My dad regaled me with stories about his old radio shows from the 30's and 40's. If you look hard enough, you can still find good old fashioned radio.
Spending time in nature. This is also health-related, mostly mental health, but it's also just nice to get to know your local parks and wildlife. I recently read that doctors in my area are prescribing and facilitating park excursions for patients in low-income neighborhoods. Fantastic. It's really true that 90% of the people you see in the regional parks are affluent whites. Anyway, whether it's a trip to the hills, a hike in the woods, or a walk to the Marina Park, I try to get some nature in everyday. My mom would be proud; she could never get me to come out and dig in the garden with her, much less venture into a park.
Talking to people who aren't in my circle. This is easier to do when you're a pedestrian out and about in the community, which is also good for your health! But it's been good to expand my horizons by talking with others. I've talked to many elders, people from other countries, other cultures, and other religions. Even taking the time to talk with shopkeepers, farmers at the market, and other vendors is enriching. So many people go about their day only talking to their immediate family and tight circle of friends. They barely give the person behind the coffee bar the time of day. I feel blessed by the diversity of my community, and blessed by the conversations I've had.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
Paying More
Having readily admitted to my non-essentials shopping problem, and doing a pretty good job so far (just a week!) at healing my shopping addiction, I thought I'd mention some beliefs I have about what we pay for things that we do need.
I grew up on really, really bad food. Almost everything from a can or box, processed cheese, margarine (for a time) and low-quality tasteless produce. I realize that we didn't have much money, and there also weren't a lot of good options in the town where we lived, but also my parents were both raised with some questionable eating habits.
Now, my dad partly grew up on a traditional farm, so he did prefer real dairy (real butter!), but his Depression-oriented upbringing led him to be totally fine with canned everything. My mom was brought up in the 50's, when suddenly an abundance of processed foods was available and popular. I know from her stories that unless she was eating at her grandmother's house, she was eating a lot of crap.
I have made it my goal to undo as best I can the years of toxic eating. My husband's background is very different than mine, so I can't speak for him. Well, I know that he got a really good start with food for his first five years on a ranch in Mexico, but he too had his share of yucky food in the States. And at some times, his family went completely without. So for the health of both of us, I have been willing to pay the real cost of real food.
I'm doing a kind of experiment for the summer; it is my hope each week to only shop at two places: the farmer's market, and Berkeley Bowl (independent natural foods store with tons of bulk options). I am allowing myself $30-40 per week for the farmer's market, and that really depends on what we're out of. For Berkeley Bowl, it does vary, but my goal is no more than $60 per week, to make a total of $100.
In the interest of forgoing contributing to the corporate giants, I have opted out of shopping for certain items at Safeway, even though they are cheaper than at Berkeley Bowl. I was getting our organic half and half, organic kefir, and grass-fed butter at Safeway in the interest of saving a few bucks, but truthfully I'd rather give the extra few to an independent local store. It's not super local for me; I do have to spend extra time and money on BART to get there, but I aim to get all that I'll need for the week all at once so there's no "oops I have to go to Safeway anyway." And frankly, I enjoy being in Berkeley much more than I enjoy being in San Leandro. I was assaulted by a mentally deranged man in front of that Safeway last month! Never happened in Berkeley, and I lived there for a year as well as 3 years in nearby North Oakland.
The farmer's market has been a blessing. I enjoy meeting the farmers, and enjoy seeing everything on display in the outdoors instead of under fluorescent lights. At the farmer's market I get produce, honey, eggs and bread. I make up for the extra BART money by taking a free shuttle to and from the farmer's market. The free shuttle is only available during "commuter hours," so if I'm going to Berkeley Bowl, I have to take the regular bus.
I've also made a new rule- if we run out of something during the week, we have to wait until the next week to get it. No dashing off to buy more bread because we were gluttonous and ate it too quickly. The exception I make to this rule is toilet paper, of course, but I've been pretty good at watching our TP usage. Anyway, this will teach us to cook and eat mindfully, and make sure that we eat up all that we have. Less spoilage, less waste. Fewer impulse buys.
Another goal I have is to only buy food in its unprocessed form. Obviously, cheese, kefir, and butter are processed by default, but I'm going to be buying the least processed versions of them. And it also means I am not buying snack foods or premade desserts. Less packaging, hooray! I recently purchased reusable muslin produce bags, which also work well for bulk items such as rice, beans and nuts. I haven't yet done the work to learn how to deal with bone-in or whole-animal meats; but I do only buy my meat at the butcher counter, not pre-packaged. Lately I've been buying applewood-smoked bacon, chicken thighs, and lamb stew meat. I haven't reconciled with beef yet, even if I can get it grass-fed. I have to learn to love it again.
Lastly, I am going to start making smoothies every night for my husband to take with him in the mornings. He works from his car so he can't take anything that will be messy or stinky. But I've been feeling so guilty that I haven't been able to get up with him at 5:30 to feed him, so smoothies it will be. I will put them in mason jars with lids so that he can stash them away and no one would ever guess he'd just had his breakfast. I am going to be using almond milk (no additives), yogurt, berries, bananas, dates, and avocado. I will also be adding some alfalfa leaf powder for extra nutrition. I hope he likes it.
The main point of all this is, I believe that it is worth it to pay top dollar for high-quality food, always looking out for the best prices, but never sacrificing quality or health for a good sale. I believe that cooking from scratch as much as possible is the best way to eat. I believe that using whole foods as much as possible is the best way to eat. I believe that eating grass-fed pastured dairy and meat is the only way to go. I believe in eating lots of butter. I believe in eating only pastured eggs. Seeing as we don't need to pay for much else besides the usual bills, my top spending priority is good, real food.
I grew up on really, really bad food. Almost everything from a can or box, processed cheese, margarine (for a time) and low-quality tasteless produce. I realize that we didn't have much money, and there also weren't a lot of good options in the town where we lived, but also my parents were both raised with some questionable eating habits.
Now, my dad partly grew up on a traditional farm, so he did prefer real dairy (real butter!), but his Depression-oriented upbringing led him to be totally fine with canned everything. My mom was brought up in the 50's, when suddenly an abundance of processed foods was available and popular. I know from her stories that unless she was eating at her grandmother's house, she was eating a lot of crap.
I have made it my goal to undo as best I can the years of toxic eating. My husband's background is very different than mine, so I can't speak for him. Well, I know that he got a really good start with food for his first five years on a ranch in Mexico, but he too had his share of yucky food in the States. And at some times, his family went completely without. So for the health of both of us, I have been willing to pay the real cost of real food.
I'm doing a kind of experiment for the summer; it is my hope each week to only shop at two places: the farmer's market, and Berkeley Bowl (independent natural foods store with tons of bulk options). I am allowing myself $30-40 per week for the farmer's market, and that really depends on what we're out of. For Berkeley Bowl, it does vary, but my goal is no more than $60 per week, to make a total of $100.
In the interest of forgoing contributing to the corporate giants, I have opted out of shopping for certain items at Safeway, even though they are cheaper than at Berkeley Bowl. I was getting our organic half and half, organic kefir, and grass-fed butter at Safeway in the interest of saving a few bucks, but truthfully I'd rather give the extra few to an independent local store. It's not super local for me; I do have to spend extra time and money on BART to get there, but I aim to get all that I'll need for the week all at once so there's no "oops I have to go to Safeway anyway." And frankly, I enjoy being in Berkeley much more than I enjoy being in San Leandro. I was assaulted by a mentally deranged man in front of that Safeway last month! Never happened in Berkeley, and I lived there for a year as well as 3 years in nearby North Oakland.
The farmer's market has been a blessing. I enjoy meeting the farmers, and enjoy seeing everything on display in the outdoors instead of under fluorescent lights. At the farmer's market I get produce, honey, eggs and bread. I make up for the extra BART money by taking a free shuttle to and from the farmer's market. The free shuttle is only available during "commuter hours," so if I'm going to Berkeley Bowl, I have to take the regular bus.
I've also made a new rule- if we run out of something during the week, we have to wait until the next week to get it. No dashing off to buy more bread because we were gluttonous and ate it too quickly. The exception I make to this rule is toilet paper, of course, but I've been pretty good at watching our TP usage. Anyway, this will teach us to cook and eat mindfully, and make sure that we eat up all that we have. Less spoilage, less waste. Fewer impulse buys.
Another goal I have is to only buy food in its unprocessed form. Obviously, cheese, kefir, and butter are processed by default, but I'm going to be buying the least processed versions of them. And it also means I am not buying snack foods or premade desserts. Less packaging, hooray! I recently purchased reusable muslin produce bags, which also work well for bulk items such as rice, beans and nuts. I haven't yet done the work to learn how to deal with bone-in or whole-animal meats; but I do only buy my meat at the butcher counter, not pre-packaged. Lately I've been buying applewood-smoked bacon, chicken thighs, and lamb stew meat. I haven't reconciled with beef yet, even if I can get it grass-fed. I have to learn to love it again.
Lastly, I am going to start making smoothies every night for my husband to take with him in the mornings. He works from his car so he can't take anything that will be messy or stinky. But I've been feeling so guilty that I haven't been able to get up with him at 5:30 to feed him, so smoothies it will be. I will put them in mason jars with lids so that he can stash them away and no one would ever guess he'd just had his breakfast. I am going to be using almond milk (no additives), yogurt, berries, bananas, dates, and avocado. I will also be adding some alfalfa leaf powder for extra nutrition. I hope he likes it.
The main point of all this is, I believe that it is worth it to pay top dollar for high-quality food, always looking out for the best prices, but never sacrificing quality or health for a good sale. I believe that cooking from scratch as much as possible is the best way to eat. I believe that using whole foods as much as possible is the best way to eat. I believe that eating grass-fed pastured dairy and meat is the only way to go. I believe in eating lots of butter. I believe in eating only pastured eggs. Seeing as we don't need to pay for much else besides the usual bills, my top spending priority is good, real food.
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
Style
I am a longtime reader of Lady Lydia's blog, Home Living. I love her writing and her assertions about a woman's role in the home. I also enjoy her sewing creations and home decorating, especially her tea settings.
Even better, she has been gracious enough to mentor me about marriage by email.
That said, our personal styles are quite different. She prefers to wear a sort of Victorian-inspired wardrobe. I think she looks wonderful! But I don't want to dress that way. It's just not me. She can wear capes, fascinator hats, little pointy boots, puffed sleeves and ruffles. It just looks ridiculous on me. I have a really small head. I mean really. The simpler my clothing, the more normal my head looks.
I share her goals of dressing femininely and modestly, but that's where it ends. I prefer a more contemporary look, but not exactly modern. I can't stand trends. You'll never see me in chevron or zebra or geometric prints, or colorblocking, or in these off-the-shoulder blouses that are suddenly everywhere. And I hate shirts with words unless it's from an organization or event. You know the ones I hate, like "Live, Laugh, Love" or some such nonsense. Yuck.
But I love simple, clean lines and natural fabrics. Like Lady Lydia, I love to wear long skirts and dresses, but I don't really like prints too much. I only own two printed skirts. I basically wear skirts and dresses from knee- to ankle-length, high-neck tank tops or tee shirts under cardigans, 3/4-sleeve cotton shirts, tunics and long sweaters, and long-sleeve tee shirts. I usually wear leggings under my shorter skirts and dresses.
Really, really simple. Cardigan. Boatneck. Slim-fit. A-line. Cotton and wool. No fuss.
While I like Lady Lydia's decorating style in her home, I mix her shabby-chic sweetness with a more rustic, natural look. I like dark woods, unpainted wicker, ethnic art and earth tones. But like her, I absolutely love to use white. It's so fresh and clean, and really cheerful in its own way.
My clothing colors do differ from hers; I like her bright colors and pastels, but they don't look well on me. I wear a mix of earth tones, jewel tones, white and black. I know she will never wear black as a neutral, but it just suits me without looking funereal. Besides, I live in a more metropolitan area than she does, and black is common here.
I can't really wear pink, though I wish I could. After my year of bad acne, wearing pink serves to highlight my pink acne scars. I wore it better when I had a clear complexion.
I like offbeat, bohemian things as well. I treasure my brightly-colored woven placemats from Africa that were a gift from a friend. I love long cotton crinkle skirts. I have two pairs of earrings made from real seashells, and a beautiful dyed-silk wrap bracelet with an enameled penny in it that was a gift from another friend. I still wear my hair in braids. I wear a recycled-fabric mini-backpack instead of carrying a purse. That is one 90's trend that I find to be rather useful!
I can only wear flat shoes. I have a bunion on one foot, and a pre-bunion on the other. In fact, it's healthiest for buniony-feet to be barefoot most of the time, which I try to be, but when I go out I wear flat shoes with cushioned soles and roomy toe boxes. I have casual cool-brown Crocs ballet flats, shiny black Stride Rite ballet flats for church, black leather sandals from Ahnu ($100 shoes at a yard sale, $2!!), blue and white patterned Keds sneakers, black Frank slip-ons by Natural Soul, and brown faux-leather sandals from Naturalizer. I sneaked in my pink with my white-and-pink Asics running shoes! As to Lady Lydia's cute pointy-toed boots, my toes say noooo.
I try to not worry too much about style, as it is a superfluous thing, but it is important to be considerate in how we dress. I don't like to draw attention to myself, and want to be neat and modest. I also don't want to give the impression of being too trend-conscious, which I find abhorrent anyway, but I do sometimes feel a little uncomfortable when I'm dressed a bit too fashion-forward. Doesn't happen often at least.
I also don't want to sacrifice propriety for comfort. I have been able to find comfortable, appropriate, modest clothing which doesn't look like I threw it on with a pitchfork. I bite my tongue when I see ladies in public wearing fuzzy pajama pants. They are usually wearing makeup and earrings, by the way; guess they were too content in being comfy to bother with the rest of the outfit! A simple cotton skirt, cotton tee shirt, wool cardigan and a pair of sandals is all as comfy as my pajamas and slippers, and it doesn't take more than a few seconds to put on. Make some effort, people!
Even better, she has been gracious enough to mentor me about marriage by email.
That said, our personal styles are quite different. She prefers to wear a sort of Victorian-inspired wardrobe. I think she looks wonderful! But I don't want to dress that way. It's just not me. She can wear capes, fascinator hats, little pointy boots, puffed sleeves and ruffles. It just looks ridiculous on me. I have a really small head. I mean really. The simpler my clothing, the more normal my head looks.
I share her goals of dressing femininely and modestly, but that's where it ends. I prefer a more contemporary look, but not exactly modern. I can't stand trends. You'll never see me in chevron or zebra or geometric prints, or colorblocking, or in these off-the-shoulder blouses that are suddenly everywhere. And I hate shirts with words unless it's from an organization or event. You know the ones I hate, like "Live, Laugh, Love" or some such nonsense. Yuck.
| My basic style |
Really, really simple. Cardigan. Boatneck. Slim-fit. A-line. Cotton and wool. No fuss.
While I like Lady Lydia's decorating style in her home, I mix her shabby-chic sweetness with a more rustic, natural look. I like dark woods, unpainted wicker, ethnic art and earth tones. But like her, I absolutely love to use white. It's so fresh and clean, and really cheerful in its own way.
| My ideal kitchen! |
My clothing colors do differ from hers; I like her bright colors and pastels, but they don't look well on me. I wear a mix of earth tones, jewel tones, white and black. I know she will never wear black as a neutral, but it just suits me without looking funereal. Besides, I live in a more metropolitan area than she does, and black is common here.
I can't really wear pink, though I wish I could. After my year of bad acne, wearing pink serves to highlight my pink acne scars. I wore it better when I had a clear complexion.
I like offbeat, bohemian things as well. I treasure my brightly-colored woven placemats from Africa that were a gift from a friend. I love long cotton crinkle skirts. I have two pairs of earrings made from real seashells, and a beautiful dyed-silk wrap bracelet with an enameled penny in it that was a gift from another friend. I still wear my hair in braids. I wear a recycled-fabric mini-backpack instead of carrying a purse. That is one 90's trend that I find to be rather useful!
Comfiest summer shoes!
I can only wear flat shoes. I have a bunion on one foot, and a pre-bunion on the other. In fact, it's healthiest for buniony-feet to be barefoot most of the time, which I try to be, but when I go out I wear flat shoes with cushioned soles and roomy toe boxes. I have casual cool-brown Crocs ballet flats, shiny black Stride Rite ballet flats for church, black leather sandals from Ahnu ($100 shoes at a yard sale, $2!!), blue and white patterned Keds sneakers, black Frank slip-ons by Natural Soul, and brown faux-leather sandals from Naturalizer. I sneaked in my pink with my white-and-pink Asics running shoes! As to Lady Lydia's cute pointy-toed boots, my toes say noooo.
I try to not worry too much about style, as it is a superfluous thing, but it is important to be considerate in how we dress. I don't like to draw attention to myself, and want to be neat and modest. I also don't want to give the impression of being too trend-conscious, which I find abhorrent anyway, but I do sometimes feel a little uncomfortable when I'm dressed a bit too fashion-forward. Doesn't happen often at least.
I also don't want to sacrifice propriety for comfort. I have been able to find comfortable, appropriate, modest clothing which doesn't look like I threw it on with a pitchfork. I bite my tongue when I see ladies in public wearing fuzzy pajama pants. They are usually wearing makeup and earrings, by the way; guess they were too content in being comfy to bother with the rest of the outfit! A simple cotton skirt, cotton tee shirt, wool cardigan and a pair of sandals is all as comfy as my pajamas and slippers, and it doesn't take more than a few seconds to put on. Make some effort, people!
Friday, May 12, 2017
Fewer things, More life
I need help. I must finally admit that I have a problem. Well, we all have problems, and I know I have more than just one, but I currently have a serious problem.
As I have written before, I had a major mental health crisis in February, resulting in a suicide attempt and hospitalization. I left my job. As lovely and healing as it has been to be a homemaker at long last, I am still dealing with mental health issues. Some people turn to food. Some people turn to sex or alcohol. After a completely unnecessary string of purchases well over $100 in the last three days, I have come to realize that I have a shopping problem.
Did you see that: I LEFT MY JOB. I am not getting paid. I am not receiving disability payments yet. I don't even know if I will. What in the blazes is wrong with me? My husband's work can barely cover our basic expenses. Barely. I am ashamed of myself, sick to my stomach. I cried out to God for help today.
It looks as though I have replaced talk therapy with retail therapy. I haven't gone to a therapist because I would have to pay out of pocket, but that's exactly what I've been doing at the shops! I could have paid for at least three or four therapy sessions by now. I feel disgusting.
Truthfully, I don't think seeing a therapist really helped me. There was a short period since I came home when I really was present here at home, not out shopping or buying things online. I was truly investing my consciousness into homemaking. That is what has been healing me.
This craving to buy things is another symptom of my illness. Giving in to it does not help, considering we really can't afford it. But beyond the financial concern, I have noticed my anxiety has gone back up. I am having strange dreams. My fulfillment in the home is down. I feel scattered, and honestly queasy. My place is in the home, not in the store.
I need to get back to basics and STOP buying things. I have prayed to God to help me ONLY purchase food from now on. The only expenses we have outside of rent and bills are gas and food. We don't have a child. We don't have a pet. We don't NEED anything besides gas and food.
My husband has all the clothes he needs. So do I. We have everything we need for the home already. I even have the raw materials to make a few more batches of sunscreen and lip balm. I have tons of tea and herbs. I have my essential oils. We have a working computer and appliances. We are OK.
I want to undo the last several weeks of shopping. I don't even remember what I've bought, in order to return some items. Dear Lord, what an embarrassment it was when my husband noticed the bank statement on the couch that I forgot to file away. He opened it and quizzed me on all my purchases. I don't blame him in the least. I was already feeling disgusted with myself; that made it just so much worse. He works so hard for so little, and here I am store-hopping, having a good old time at his expense.
My goal is to be home when the last couple of Amazon purchases are delivered, to quickly put everything away and not remind him of my foolishness. Some of the things I bought really are useful, like the lavender oil that helps me sleep, and dish soap, but most of it is unneeded. I need help, but all I have for assistance is prayer and willpower. God willing, I can do this.
As I have written before, I had a major mental health crisis in February, resulting in a suicide attempt and hospitalization. I left my job. As lovely and healing as it has been to be a homemaker at long last, I am still dealing with mental health issues. Some people turn to food. Some people turn to sex or alcohol. After a completely unnecessary string of purchases well over $100 in the last three days, I have come to realize that I have a shopping problem.
Did you see that: I LEFT MY JOB. I am not getting paid. I am not receiving disability payments yet. I don't even know if I will. What in the blazes is wrong with me? My husband's work can barely cover our basic expenses. Barely. I am ashamed of myself, sick to my stomach. I cried out to God for help today.
It looks as though I have replaced talk therapy with retail therapy. I haven't gone to a therapist because I would have to pay out of pocket, but that's exactly what I've been doing at the shops! I could have paid for at least three or four therapy sessions by now. I feel disgusting.
This craving to buy things is another symptom of my illness. Giving in to it does not help, considering we really can't afford it. But beyond the financial concern, I have noticed my anxiety has gone back up. I am having strange dreams. My fulfillment in the home is down. I feel scattered, and honestly queasy. My place is in the home, not in the store.
I need to get back to basics and STOP buying things. I have prayed to God to help me ONLY purchase food from now on. The only expenses we have outside of rent and bills are gas and food. We don't have a child. We don't have a pet. We don't NEED anything besides gas and food.
My husband has all the clothes he needs. So do I. We have everything we need for the home already. I even have the raw materials to make a few more batches of sunscreen and lip balm. I have tons of tea and herbs. I have my essential oils. We have a working computer and appliances. We are OK.
I want to undo the last several weeks of shopping. I don't even remember what I've bought, in order to return some items. Dear Lord, what an embarrassment it was when my husband noticed the bank statement on the couch that I forgot to file away. He opened it and quizzed me on all my purchases. I don't blame him in the least. I was already feeling disgusted with myself; that made it just so much worse. He works so hard for so little, and here I am store-hopping, having a good old time at his expense.
My goal is to be home when the last couple of Amazon purchases are delivered, to quickly put everything away and not remind him of my foolishness. Some of the things I bought really are useful, like the lavender oil that helps me sleep, and dish soap, but most of it is unneeded. I need help, but all I have for assistance is prayer and willpower. God willing, I can do this.
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Receiving Him
Finally, FINALLY I made it to daily Mass. Got up after a flurry of unpleasant dreams, after my alarm went through three cycles, after my husband kissed me good morning and I mumbled "Take a banana" as he readied to go.
The walk to church was pleasant; at last we had a cool cloudy day. My cream-colored sweater was not quite warm enough, but I gloried in that fact- how I've hated the too-bright days in the high eighties.
So I entered the church with my bangs wild from the wind. It was surprisingly full, and not just with elderly people, though there were plenty of them. I sat on the other side of the church from where we usually sit, just for a change. Two older women behind me discussed the different priests who say daily Mass, remembering that it's Father Eddie who says Mass on Wednesdays.
A gentleman came out to the ambo to announce that Father Eddie is sick and cannot say Mass today. We would simply have a communion service. I was disappointed, but then convicted- I will receive communion today. My husband and I have been abstaining after I read that a couple who was married outside the Sacrament should not receive. But there was that conviction today.
The host was just a tiny sliver, but that is enough. It is just as much Him as anything. I felt very peaceful. I told Him how I missed Him, and was hoping what I had done was all right. I'm still not 100% convinced that it was, but there it is anyway. I told my husband this evening, and he agreed that we should go up to receive Him as we are led, individually, and not set a rule. I will obey this non-rule rule.
As nourishing as our farmer's market dinner tonight was, the little piece of consecrated bread I received this morning was infinitely more so. I remember my first communion (I was seven years old) how at the luncheon afterward I started talking to Jesus in my tummy. It was so very real to me, and I pray that it always will be, for it IS the Real Presence.
The walk to church was pleasant; at last we had a cool cloudy day. My cream-colored sweater was not quite warm enough, but I gloried in that fact- how I've hated the too-bright days in the high eighties.
So I entered the church with my bangs wild from the wind. It was surprisingly full, and not just with elderly people, though there were plenty of them. I sat on the other side of the church from where we usually sit, just for a change. Two older women behind me discussed the different priests who say daily Mass, remembering that it's Father Eddie who says Mass on Wednesdays.
A gentleman came out to the ambo to announce that Father Eddie is sick and cannot say Mass today. We would simply have a communion service. I was disappointed, but then convicted- I will receive communion today. My husband and I have been abstaining after I read that a couple who was married outside the Sacrament should not receive. But there was that conviction today.
The host was just a tiny sliver, but that is enough. It is just as much Him as anything. I felt very peaceful. I told Him how I missed Him, and was hoping what I had done was all right. I'm still not 100% convinced that it was, but there it is anyway. I told my husband this evening, and he agreed that we should go up to receive Him as we are led, individually, and not set a rule. I will obey this non-rule rule.
As nourishing as our farmer's market dinner tonight was, the little piece of consecrated bread I received this morning was infinitely more so. I remember my first communion (I was seven years old) how at the luncheon afterward I started talking to Jesus in my tummy. It was so very real to me, and I pray that it always will be, for it IS the Real Presence.
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