Second Steeping

The results are in: black tea is the best tea for resteeping. White tea comes in second, and green tea, third. I'm surprised that the green tea is as tasteless as it is in the second steeping, but the sencha that I have just tastes like nothing the second time around.

I haven't tested oolong yet, as I don't have any loose-leaf oolong. I have bagged oolong, but bagged tea never tastes good the second time, so it wouldn't be a true test. The black tea that I have is a nice, bold Assam. It has the best second-steep flavor out of all the teas I have tried. The white tea is Himalayan White. It tastes passable on the second go-round. Nothing spectacular, but at least you can taste it. 

I have other teas as well which I could try. My chai blend is good on the second steep, but that is not the tea, it's the spices which are keeping up the flavor. I haven't tried to resteep my green passionfruit, but I imagine all the blended flavored teas will resteep well, and it won't be the tea itself that I will be tasting but the flavoring elements. My Moroccan mint green tea always resteeped well, but it was only the peppermint that I tasted. My genmaicha, a toasted rice green tea, also resteeped well, but it was the toasted rice that gave the flavor.

So here's to Assam, the winner of the second steeping test. I am open to giving other green teas a try in the future. Sencha for sure is not the one.

Weather and Drought

It's been a long time since I last wrote, and a few things have happened. Most importantly, I was approved for Social Security Disability. I received a significant amount of back pay, and was able to pay off my debt to my landlord. That was such a blessing.

I wanted to write today about the weather we're having. We have had nothing but bright, warm, sunny days since the month began. It is really disheartening, because it's November! But also, there is a wildfire burning northeast of us which is blanketing our whole area with smoke. It's disgusting outside, and the sun is red.

California needs rain. Plain and simple. I don't know if we're going to get rain any time soon, but we desperately need it. Even some cloud cover would be nice. Some fog. Anything but what we've been having. It's not July, for Pete's sake. This month has turned out to be warmer than the summer. In the summer we had plenty of cloudy days, and lots of cloudy mornings.

Yesterday we had a lot of wind, which was a nice change of pace; at least it was something, but then the smoke started to blow through and it ruined what would have been a beautiful blustery day. It's always like that these days. Cloudy days turn sunny. Blustery days turn smoky. I hate to be Debbie Downer, but that's the way it's been. The whole state of California is like this.

Other states have had too much rain, and have had flooding. Why can't there be an even amount of rain over the whole country? I don't understand it. Mother Nature isn't very accommodating. I guess we shall wait and see what else is in store for us.

At least we have a new governor. I voted for him. Perhaps he will announce a state of drought for the whole state and take us back to mandatory water saving. The current governor announced that the drought was over (what a joke!) and people are back to watering their lawns and fountains are back on. I liked the slogan, "brown is the new green." At least the regional parks still have their drought signs up in the bathrooms. Saving water should be paramount on our state's priority list. Those are just my three cents on the matter.

Catching Up

So much has happened since last I wrote. My husband and I have had many adventures; we have hiked the Eastn Bay, celebrating our fourth wedding anniversary, and we have boondocked up north in the redwoods. It's been a bit stressful (battening down the hatches in the motorhome is a full-day affair), but filled with love.

I'm just enjoying the clouds this morning, it's a cool morning. The Indian Summer has been stretched out long this year, and we've had a string of warm, mostly cloudless days. So this morning's overcast is welcome beyond belief. Last night was the full moon, it was a clear night and I could see it clearly. Gorgeous. I should have taken a picture, but the picture wouldn't have done it justice.

One big blessing I received yesterday was finding out that my Social Security Disability claim has been approved, and I received back pay to the first time I applied. This is my second attempt. We have debts to pay, and this came just in time. Thank goodness.

This morning's tea is sencha and nettle leaf. Nettle leaf is very nutritious, containing abundant chlorophyll, calcium, magnesium, zinc and any vitamins. What a healing, delicious tea. It's said to be an herb of protection, and for good reason. I am grateful to the workers who brave the stinging part of the plant (they probably wear gloves) to pluck the leaves for us. I am really enjoying the sencha as well, I've read that it is one of the most popular teas drunk in Japan, an everyday tea.

Thanks for joining me over this delicious cup of tea to catch up and enjoy each other's company. Today is just laundry day and mopping (we tracked in a lot of dirt when out boondocking). Have a great early weekend everyone. Peace and love.

Fresh Choices

My husband and I went out to eat at a Chipotle restaurant for our anniversary today, and I got to thinking about choices in food. It is better to make food at home rather than to eat out at say a McDonald's or a Burger King. But what choices do we have when we want to eat out and choose a reputable company?

I know that Chipotle is a responsible company that treats its workers well and does its best to provide responsibly raised food. In 2015, they went no-GMO. That in itself is quite an accomplishment considering how many GMOs are in our food supply. Another company that is on my list is In-N-Out Burger. I don't have data on whether or not they choose non-GMO ingredients or pasture-raised meats, but they make their food fresh on site and treat their workers well.

When it comes to drink choices, it's tricky. I am guilty of consuming Coca-Cola against my own counsel, simply because I love the taste of it, but in theory, I hold that we should only be drinking four beverages: coconut water, water, tea, and kombucha. Juices are all right, but they are high in natural sugars and good luck finding 100% juice at a restaurant. Most of the time you'll find juice-flavored beverages with minimal actual juice content.

It's not always easy to make the best choice, but it is possible. It just takes a little research to find the freshest choices that you can.

New Moon

Today, spiritually speaking, is the New Moon. It is a time for new beginnings and fresh perspectives. The first light of the new crescent moon will be visible tonight. I realize that astronomically, the New Moon was yesterday, the moon that is not visible. I am speaking purely from a spiritual standpoint here.

This morning I held a private New Moon ritual. I set some intentions for the next cycle of the moon (month). Hopefully I will be able to achieve them. Some of them are vague so as to be achievable. I also said a prayer for unconditional love. I anointed myself with lavender oil, and anointed my space with camphor. Camphor is a good oil for purification.

The New Moon is said to be the spark of creativity, at the first light. I sure hope so, my creativity has been severely lacking these days. Well, everything has been lacking, as my depression has been so severe. This morning's tea is a healthful brew of nettle leaf and milk thistle seed. Symbolically, they are curse-breakers, and I sure feel like that applies to me. This has been a terrible year. I can't wait for the new year. But at least I have a new month/moon cycle ahead of me. The next Full Moon will be in 14 days.

Today, auspiciously, is my wedding anniversary. My husband has to work today, but he took off Friday and Saturday for us to have some time together. I can't believe it has been four years of marriage. We're just going to go out for ice cream. We're on a budget. A very tight budget. In any event, it's a blessed day and I'm grateful for it.

The Dark of the Moon

Today we celebrate the dark of the moon. In astronomy, it is called the new moon, but I like to differentiate between the dark moon, when the moon is invisible, and the new moon, when the first crescent of light is visible. The dark of the moon is a time to honor your ancestors, and to cleanse oneself of negative energies. I left a small offering to my ancestors on my altar, just a bit of garlic and mint. I will add some rosemary later today after I've gone outside.

I performed a dark moon ritual today, anointing myself with camphor oil for purification. I find this to be an introspective time, to go inside yourself and meditate on all that this past month has brought. I have been following and timing my spiritual practice according to the phases of the moon for about a month now, and I have found it to be very helpful.

 I don't really believe that there is any power in the moon itself, I just consider it symbolic. The moon is simply a heavenly body reflecting the light of the sun. There is no special power in the moon's light, or any nonsense like that. It's just a way to symbolically align one's spiritual practice. The dark moon is introspective, the waxing moon is for drawing good things to oneself, and the waning moon is for getting rid of that which does not serve us, or is negative. The full moon is for gratitude and abundance. 

I am not a Witch. I just wanted to make that clear. I know that Witches also go by the phases of the moon in their magical workings. I don't believe in a Goddess or their Horned God. I think that's all creepy and wrong, to be frank. I just like using the moon as a friendly guide for spirituality. It's a beautiful way to honor the turning of the months, and its symbolism is meaningful to me.

ACV and other ramblings

I like to start my day with a little cup of warm ACV drink. I just pour in a capful of apple cider vinegar, a half cup of hot water and a half cup of cold water. Sometimes I add honey, but it's not necessary. ACV is known to detox the system, give your digestive tract a warm up, and help to flatten the belly. I don't know how that last one works, but I'm looking forward to seeing if it's true.

ACV has a million and one uses, but my second favorite use is as a hair conditioner. I don't always use shampoo and conditioner. Sometimes I simply wash my hair with warm-to-hot water, scrubbing vigorously with my fingers, and rinse with a diluted solution of ACV. Instantly I can feel how soft my hair feels. And once your hair is dry, there is no odor.

I don't know about other people, but ACV helps me get rid of itchy scalp. I have noticed less dandruff since I started using it. I don't use it every time, maybe every other shower. And, *gasp!* I only shower once or twice a week. I just don't get that dirty. I like to let my hair's natural oils build up and then I brush them down the hair shaft.With this method, my hair doesn't look greasy at all.

So anyway, after my morning ACV drink I'll have my tea and breakfast. Lately the only thing I've been having for breakfast is a smoothie. Banana, frozen blueberries, egg, and milk or yogurt. I haven't had much of an appetite for anything else, but I believe this is one of the healthiest ways to start the day.

Today's tea is rose gunpowder. I purchased it from the Chinese market down the street. I am only guessing that it's gunpowder by the pellet shape of the leaves; I can't read the Chinese writing on the jar. I love to watch leaves unfurl in the hot water. 

The only errand I need to run today is to return my library books. I just may renew them, they're quite interesting. One is a book on opening our wild hearts to the herbs (she's rather a pagan kind of author), and the other is also about herbal medicine. The first author talks about finding our herbal ally. I'm not exactly sure what she means; is it like finding your spirit animal? 

In any event, if I were to have an herbal ally I believe it would be rosemary. It helps with remembrance, which is good for my poor memory, and it smells divine. Not to mention we have an abundance of it on our property. I wonder if tea leaves would count as an herbal ally. I'm all about health these days, and am interested in as much natural alternative health information as I can get my hands on.

It turns out, according to the second book on herbal medicine, that the ashwagandha I've been taking really does have an effect on psychotic symptoms. I just chose it at random, really, hoping it would help. Lucky for me, I guess. So here is my morning routine:

Wake up
Drink ACV
Make tea and smoothie
Stretch
Make bed
Put dishes away
Sweep floors
Start laundry
Sounds like a good start to the day, doesn't it?

Rain!

It rained! It didn't last long, but a storm blew through and there was a downpour. I knew my prayers would be answered. I'm not going to stop, though, because we need more rain. This little storm wasn't enough. I will continue to pray for more and more rain, until this drought is kicked to the curb. I tried to include a photo of our cloudy sky, but the email never went through.

I am feeling much better since my last psychotic episode. My anxiety is still fairly high, but I have been able to function somewhat normally in the last couple of days. For me, it is enough to be able to perform simple household chores and be able to walk to the store or the park.

This morning I am going to have a banana-blueberry smoothie with egg. I'm not afraid of getting salmonella poisoning; I've been using raw egg in smoothies for over a year and never had a problem. I don't like the taste of cooked eggs very much, so this is a way for me to get my Omega-3's in.

Today's tea is white Himalayan, second steeping. Loose leaf teas can usually be steeped twice or three times before they lose flavor. Well, the storm looks like it's past us, and the sky is clearing. It's too bad, because we need as much rain as we can get. "Clouds gather round from far and near, angels kindly shed your tears."

Natural Moisturizers

A thought just came to me as I was reaching for my lip balm. Using a petroleum-based lip balm, such as Chapstick, is like drinking Coca-Cola to quench thirst. It may feel good in the moment, but it's only going to dry you out more. I have a petroleum-based lip balm from a hospital I was at two years ago, and I feel silly that I haven't yet thrown it away.

Petroleum jelly, or white petrolatum, is terrible for your skin in the long run, and its purchase supports the oil industry, which harms the environment and contributes to global warming. Mineral oil is also a byproduct of petroleum processing, and should be avoided at all costs. I wonder if it was so named just to convince people that it is healthy. I can't imagine there are any beneficial minerals in it.

I have preferred to use natural lip balms such as shea butter, coconut oil, and olive oil. I haven't made a concoction with essential oils, I just use the butter or coconut oil straight. Of the three, shea butter is definitely the best. Shea butter also works as a natural sunscreen. Olive or coconut oil as a lip balm (and general moisturizer) definitely work, but they end up just making me hungry. Shea butter has more staying power, as it is thicker. Cocoa butter is also a good moisturizer, but I haven't found a brand that doesn't pollute it with other unnatural ingredients, such as parabens which are carcinogenic and disodium-EDTA which is harmful to the reproductive system.

Vegetable glycerine is also a good moisturizer, but I prefer to keep it in stock for making herbal tinctures. It's so good to just buy these items in bulk and use them for multiple purposes. You don't need to buy a foot cream, hand cream, lotion, and lip balm. One tub of shea butter or coconut oil supplies all those needs. Coconut oil even works well as a shaving cream. I really just use soap and water or hair conditioner for that, anyway. 

Another good thing about using these items is that you can reuse their containers for storing leftovers or other things. Shea butter comes in a plastic tub and coconut oil in a glass jar. And the vegetable glycerine and olive oil bottles are recyclable. I bet you'll end up saving money just by using these few items in your beauty care routine. A little bit goes a long way, and with how successful they are at moisturizing, over time you'll not need to use them so frequently because your skin will have improved.

Recovering

Good morning everyone. This morning's tea is white Himalayan. It's best, if you want a stronger cup of tea, to use more leaves rather than to over-steep the leaves. Over-steeping causes bitterness in the tea. Though I don't really mind that so much in a white tea.

Nothing going on here today, just doing my best to recover from a psychotic episode three days ago. It's so difficult to deal with these attacks; the anxiety caused by it lasts for days afterward. I'm still feeling the effects of it. It brings up my agoraphobia again. I tried to walk to the park yesterday and just couldn't do it.

Days like this are becoming more frequent. I had a similar episode on the 6th of this month, and have been slowly building up to the bigger episode that occurred on the 26th. It is very frustrating, to say the least. It impedes my ability to think straight, and to function normally. I lose the ability to remember important things, or anything at all, really, and have difficulty getting out of bed in the morning.

My goal is to always to get out of bed before ten, which I did today. Just by fifteen minutes, but it's better than nothing. It sure feels good to write, even though there's not much to write about. Mostly, I just wish that these attacks would leave me alone. I don't know what I am going to do today, because my anxiety is so high. 

Normally I take a walk to the park, but my effort yesterday precludes that today; I'm now too afraid to go. I feel paranoid, like someone is out to get me. I know it doesn't make any sense, but there it is. I am afraid of everyone and everything, except my husband of course. I wasn't always this way, and it's frustrating to think that I will always be like this. There isn't a known cure for schizoaffective disorder, and the prognosis isn't usually positive.

I hate to be such a downer on this otherwise positive blog, but that's just how I'm feeling today. I'm afraid to leave the house. We're supposed to be meeting with our landlady today at 2:30 to discuss doing some work for her. That's enough for one day; I hope I can remember all that she asks of us. My mind goes blank at an alarming rate. 

It's like a loop that my brain goes through; I try to hold onto the memories as they slip away, and then the blank feeling comes and wipes my mind clean and it starts again. Very frustrating. I think I'll just have my smoothie and make the bed. Every little action helps.

Loving the Unlovable

Two days ago I saw an article about the sentencing of Bill Cosby. While I find the whole matter to be unbearably sad, the worst part about it for me was hearing about the horde of protesters shouting outside the courthouse. I always feel sorry for criminals; they are still human beings and must have some deep ailment of the heart and mind to do such atrocious things as they have done.

Bill Cosby has already been dragged through the mud, and the mud isn't going anywhere. His reputation is shot through and his career is over. We should be feeling sadness, not anger. Sadness that this talented man, who portrayed such an upstanding character, is so sick in the head as to have hurt so many women. I am not angry with Bill Cosby. I'm just sad and feel betrayed. 

I believe wholeheartedly that we should love our enemies and do good to those who hurt us. I'm not saying that Cosby's sentence should be lightened or that he should be above the law in any way. I simply feel that shouting angrily at the man is uncalled for and does nothing but fuel more negativity in our own hearts. Cosby has already been convicted. And now he has been sentenced. Originally he was going to be sentenced with 30 years in prison, but the judge condensed the counts into one and the final outcome is 10 years. 

Bill Cosby is 81 years old. He probably doesn't have 10 years left, and will spend the rest of his life in jail, unless he lives to be 92. That should be enough to satisfy these rabid protesters. Justice has been done, there is nothing left to protest. 

Instead we should be praying for him, and others like him such as Judge Brett Kavanaugh, that their hearts and minds be transformed and healed so that they stop hurting people and lying about it. There is no doubt in my mind that Kavanaugh is guilty. His behavior at the Senate committee hearing yesterday was a dead giveaway. He would not answer questions directly and kept turning questions back onto those asking the questions.

It hurts to admit that Bill Cosby is guilty. I maintained for a long time that he is innocent, mostly because I wanted to hang on to the image of the wholesome, friendly, father figure that he was. There is still a small part of me that thinks he may be innocent, but too many women have come forward to testify against him. It's just too many. It breaks my heart. 

I am not convinced that every public figure who has been accused of sexual assault is guilty. I believe that there are women out there who want attention and money for being "victims," and are jumping on the #MeToo movement bandwagon. I don't want to believe that such a multitude of men are predators. I have never encountered any untoward sexual behavior from a man. I am concerned that this tide of accusations is doing harm to men in general, and putting too much power in the hands of women. I could go on about how I feel about feminism, but I've already written about that.

For now, my prayers will be with everyone involved in these cases, victims and perpetrators alike. For it is possible for anyone to be redeemed, no matter what they have done. And healing is possible for everyone. Love thy neighbor, even if he is a criminal.

Hopeful

Good morning, everyone. I don't have much to write about today, but I wanted to report some positive news from the weather forecast: rain! Rain is expected next Monday the 1st. And we have partly cloudy days every day this week. I have been praying, "Clouds gather round from far and near; angels kindly shed your tears." 

It looks like the clouds are gathering round, and I am being heard. Finally. We desperately need the rain. I have not just been praying for rain for us but for the areas in the state that are under siege by wildfire. I have put the whole state of California under this prayer.

I do a walking meditation on this prayer almost every day. I feel that prayer is my mission in life, to pray for the whole world and its needs. There must be some people to accomplish this while everyone else goes out into the world to get things done. There are groups of nuns who don't go anywhere, but who pray for everyone outside their cloister. I am not cloistered, but my disability prevents me from having an outside job, and so I use my time to pray as well.

Once again, today's tea is Assam. I have the most of this tea, I am running out of my green tea. I feel like Assam tea is one for a state of relaxed alertness, perfect for deep prayer and contemplation. There were supposed to be clouds today; I don't see any. I am sick to death of seeing the sun. Hopefully this rain forecast will come true, despite the odds. I am hopeful.

Brown Should Still Be the New Green

Last night was the full moon. It was so beautiful, my husband and I drove up to the hills to watch the moonrise. September's moon is known as the Harvest Moon. It is a time of thanksgiving and enjoying the harvest. I cooked up some sweet potatoes and turkey for dinner, just like the traditional Thanksgiving but a lot more informal. I didn't cook a whole turkey, just some ground turkey, but it still counts.

It's another beautiful overcast morning. The sun is just now peeking through the clouds, but the clouds still reign for now. I wish so much that it would rain, we are in a severe drought. The governor foolishly announced last year that the drought is over, after a few winter rains, and so now people are not encouraged to save water like they were previously. 

Fountains have turned back on, lawns are being watered again, brown is no longer the new green. According to the U.S. Drought Monitor, our part of the state is only in the "abnormally dry" category, not even "moderate drought." I'm no expert, but I would disagree with this assessment. I can't even remember the last time we had rain. The Central Valley is listed as being in "moderate drought." Well that at least makes sense. 

Two days ago my husband and I went to a natural spring in Stanislaus County called Adobe Springs. We filled up a big jug of water to give to his parents. That water tasted so clean and fresh, it was amazing. There is a bottled water company that uses Adobe Springs as its source, though I can't remember the name of the company. I was amazed that this spring is still flowing, I wonder where it comes from. The water is high in magnesium.

.Today's tea is lemon verbena and peppermint, mixed with a little gunpowder green for a pick-me-up. Lemon verbena and peppermint are calming, cleansing herbs, and I am in great need of cleansing, spiritually and mentally. The waning moon is a time to banish all that's unpleasant, unwelcome, and unhelpful. I plan on banishing negativity, fear, and the drought. As if I had any control over it! But it's worth a try. I've said my prayer to bring rain for a week now, and now it's time to focus my energies on getting rid of the drought.

If only these morning clouds were pregnant with rain. I feel they are just teasing me. We are still saving water in this household, I don't care what the governor says. In November, we will have a new governor anyhow. Hopefully he will reinstate the drought guidelines for us. Brown should still be the new green.

Depression

Tonight is a full moon. What an eventful week so far; first the equinox, the first day of autumn, and now a full moon. I always feel so comforted by a full moon. None of the traditional folklore about things going awry on a full moon bothers me. I feel it's the opposite- things are in full bloom, in harmony, at their peak during the full moon. I do believe that the moon's phases have an effect on us, as the moon affects the tides, so it affects our emotions. 

I want to talk today about depression. I suffer from schizoaffective disorder, which is characterized by a combination of psychosis and a mood disorder, either bipolar or major depression. In my case, it is major depression. I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning, and I have lost interest in things I once loved, like singing. And my writing has lost its creative edge.

I do not have health insurance, so I am self-treating my depression with herbs and exercise. I take 150 mg of St. John's Wort everyday, as well as 30 drops of Ashwagandha tincture. And I walk three miles every day. So far, while it has by no means cured my depression, this triple treatment has made it manageable. I honestly don't feel that the doctor's treatment worked any better. 

I have skimmed through the book, The Depression Cure by Stephen S. Ilardi. He advocates six steps to cure depression: Omega-3 fatty acids, engaging activity, physical exercise, sunlight exposure, social connection and enhanced sleep. I would recommend these steps to anyone suffering depression. I did not try all six of these steps, but I am trying the ones I can manage and I am pleased with the results. I get omega-3's every day from food. I don't have an engaging activity, but I get sunlight and exercise. There's no way for me to get much of a social connection where I live but I do text my friends and that's enough for me.

I also believe that drinking tea helps with depression and the anxiety that comes with it. Tea contains the amino acid l-theanine, which is said to reduce anxiety and create a feeling of relaxed alertness. I drink at least 24 oz. of tea a day, which isn't really enough to get a therapeutic amount of l-theanine, but I believe some is better than none. 

The ritual of tea, I believe, also helps. Today is my third day in a row drinking a nice, bold Assam. As Cowper said, tea is "the cup that cheers but not inebriates." I find it to be a welcome addition to my bag of tricks in fighting depression, and I recommend it to everyone.

Harvest Equinox

Today we celebrate the Autumnal Equinox. Day and night are equal in length. It's a day to focus on balance and thanksgiving. In fact, I propose that we celebrate a sort of thanksgiving today instead of in November, when the rest of the country is celebrating a holiday that, essentially, celebrates one culture mowing down another.

My husband and I call Thanksgiving, thanksTaking, because that's exactly what the white settlers did. They took and took and took from the Native Americans until there was practically nothing left. We have not celebrated the traditional American Thanksgiving for a few years now. I know that there are Native ceremonies held on Thanksgiving to commemorate the peoples who were here first, and their contribution to the well-being of the settlers who took their land, in contrast to the tradtional American Thanksgiving feast.

Pagans celebrate today as a harvest festival called Mabon. All I know is that Mabon is a Welsh deity, not exactly sure what he represents, but I like the idea of celebrating the harvest today. I don't have much in the way of a feast prepared, but the foods I do have are the three sisters: corn, beans and squash. And sweet potatoes. It wasn't intentional, just a nice coincidence.

My husband and I are getting a late start today. This is his one day off. I don't have any plans, just waiting for him to wake up and see what this equinox day brings. Today's tea is assam. I figured a good, bold black tea is just right for today. Happy harvest!

On Celibacy

I woke up even earlier today than yesterday, and as a reward, I get an overcast morning. What another blessing. No tea as of yet this morning; I am finishing my husband's coffee. I don't mind that it's cold, in fact I prefer that it is. Hot coffee tastes like burnt dirt.

I am frustrated that I don't see this blog pop up when I perform a Google search for it. I have the settings arranged so that this blog is visible on Blogger and on search engines. I type the exact title of the blog yet I get all kinds of blogs that don't have the exact words in the title. I don't know how to rectify this.

My initial goal for this blog was to encourage people with the little blessings in life and publish my opinions on topics various and sundry. I suppose I have succeeded in this, even though my blog doesn't pop up for people to read. I have only ever received one comment. I wonder how she found this blog.

I am determined to continue writing, however, and hope and pray that somehow, people will stumble across this blog.

I initially wanted to write today about the recent sexual abuse scandal within the Catholic Church. I have not read too much about it; it's too unpleasant; I've only heard what my priest has told us. What I know is this: some people have suggested that celibacy is to blame. This is not the case. Satan is to blame. Celibacy is holy and right for priests. The priest marries the church, just as Christ did. Satan would love nothing more than to ruin this holy calling by doing away with celibacy. Allowing priests to marry will not end sexual abuse. There have been cases of sexual abuse and misconduct among married people as well. In fact, almost all the abuse I know of in my own circle has been by married people.

I know that Satan attacks the church at an alarming rate, particularly her priests, because it IS the one true church of Jesus. So when you see scandals and problems like this, it is not because there is something wrong with Catholicism. It's because it's right. Why would the devil bother to bother Christians who aren't doing the right thing? He already has them. No, he pesters and tempts those who are on the best path. That other Christians don't see this is baffling to me. 

Then again, one of the "Christians" who made the suggestion to me that we do away with celibacy also, at another time, expressed his disbelief that I still even believe in the devil. So there you have it. There was a lot of questionable theology floating around my university, some of it even being officially taught.

Here comes the sun. Oh, when will we ever have a fully cloudy day? My prayer for rain remains unanswered but I will not give up. Today's tea is a strong, bold Assam. Good for a semi-cloudy morning.

Is Anybody Out There?

Is anybody out there?
Does anyone care?
Do we have a heart for those lost out there?
Is there enough to go around?
Is there a smile for the ones who are down?
Down and out, but not alone.
There is the One who abides with those.
A wind in the trees, sun burning sky.
Beating down on a weathered face.
Holding a sign by the side of the road,
Is anybody out there?
Does anyone care?
Do we have a heart for those lost out there?

Good Morning

Good morning everyone. This morning I got up 40 minutes earlier than my usual late time. It really has made a difference in my outlook and I feel like I have more energy. I have said my morning prayers and made my morning tea, and still have quite a bit of the morning left. Today's tea is Himalayan white. I wish I knew which country it came from, Nepal or India. I always like to know as much as I can about my tea.

My prayer for rain has not yet been answered; there's not a cloud in the sky. I won't give up, though, because we desperately need it. Today will be a quiet day, just laundry to be done. A rather large load, to be exact, but only one. I also need to walk to the store for a few things. But I just wanted to quickly write about what a good morning it is, having beaten my sleeping-in demons.

Every night for the past few weeks I've been telling myself, "you have to get up earlier. You have to get up earlier." Finally, after all this time, I have done it. Laying in bed until ten o'clock doesn't solve my problems. It makes me feel more depressed in the long run and limits the amount of time I have to do things before my husband comes home, so I end up rushing through them at the last minute. It takes me a couple hours to really get going.

I wasn't always like this. In fact, up until this year, I rarely slept past 8:30. I would "get depressed" if I stayed in bed longer than that. These days, I don't actually sleep until ten. I just lay there like a bum. I usually wake up between 7:30 and 8:00, and then lay there for two hours. I have major depression, and the morning is when I feel it the most. I have flip-flopped. I used to be a morning person, and now I am a night owl. I feel most awake and alive at night.

I used to have intolerable insomnia, and staying in bed late would exacerbate it. Now, my insomnia is basically gone, but my energy level in the morning is lower. It doesn't really make any sense, because I'm getting enough sleep. I suppose it won't do to over-analyze things. I should just be grateful that I'm sleeping well for the first time in many years.

With that gratitude, I wish you all a good morning and a blessed day.

A Prayer for Rain

We need rain. It's as simple as that. The state of California is on fire, and there is no rain in sight as far as the forecast can see. We hardly even have any clouds on the horizon; the forecast is nothing but sun for days. We desperately need rain.

I have a prayer for rain that I would like to share.

Angels' tears fall from the sky
Cometh forth and wet the dry
Send down your tears so sacred and true
Fall down I pray to you
Feed the earth and plants that thirst
I call now, solemn and true
Water the earth and make anew
Sweet angels send down your tears to thine
and make the streams flow as wine
Answer me, answer me, answer this single prayer.

When I was a little girl, and had been particularly naughty, my grandmother would tell me that the rain was the angels crying because of me. We also said that a thunderstorm was the angels bowling, and lightning struck when they got a strike. I miss those days. We had occasional rain in the summer back then, nice warm rain. Nowadays we barely get rain in the spring and fall, when we should. I pray that a rainy miracle will come through for us.

Magical Tea

There is nothing like a cup of tea in the morning to comfort and cheer you. Today's tea is hojicha, a roasted green tea. I'm using the same teabags as last night; my husband and I drank this tea last night after dinner. No sense in wasting them, this particular brand (YamaMotoYama) works well for second steepings. There are three "tea times" in my day:

Morning, as soon as I get up, before I eat.

Afternoon, around 2 or 3pm, before I take a run.

Evening, after dinner.

Sometimes I'll have a second morning cup of tea or tea with lunch as well, but that's less set in stone. There's just something magical about tea. I'm referring to camellia sinensis, the actual tea plant, not herbal teas, or tisanes. I do drink tisanes occasionally, particularly when I am ill or can't sleep. But most of the time I drink proper tea: green, white or black. I currently have these green teas: gunpowder, rose gunpowder, jasmine, hojicha. I currently have only Himalayan white. And I have three black teas, Earl Grey, chai (unsure of the type of black tea used) and assam. I am running out of all three; I'll have to replenish my stocks soon. 

I make note of which teas I drink and my mood before and after I drink it, in a tea log. I mark down approximately how much L-theanine (an amino acid linked to reducing stress) is in each cup. For green teas, it's about 10 mg per 8 oz. cup. Black teas have a larger amount, about 30 mg. I am unsure of the amount in white tea. Oolong has about 18 mg per cup. I would have to drink an absurd amount of tea (12 cups or more) to get a truly therapeutic level of L-theanine, but I make note of it just the same.

I believe that tea, regardless of the polyphenols and antioxidants, has a special power to soothe and rejuvenate. I don't know if it's just the action of taking tea, or something in the brew or the taste, but it's truly special. I just wish I had someone to share it with. Drinking tea alone is magical, but the magic is doubled when you share it.

Little Blessings

Just as I posted yesterday about our Indian summer, I was secretly hoping for a cloudy day. And here it is, we have an overcast morning. My prayers have been answered. I fully expect the clouds to burn off in time, as they always do, but I am appreciative of the cloud cover for the time being.

Today's tea is dandelion leaf. Dandelion leaf is said to be good for healing, purification and defeating negativity. I certainly could use all three of those! Particularly the defeating of negativity. Don't ask me how it works, it just does. I believe it does, anyway.

I just wanted to meditate on the little blessings that God bestows on us each day, for us all. Today's blessing comes in the form of clouds, but it could be anything. Any little thing that winks at you during the day, saying "cheer up, God loves you." It could be a falling leaf, the smile of a child, a random act of kindness.

I don't have much to fill my days lately, since I am working on healing at home and no longer work outside the home. So for me, just this little blessing of clouds lifts my spirit. I don't have to far to go today, just to the corner store, and I hope to bring a smile to the face of the cashier with my presence. She often wears a frown.

We can each be a little blessing to someone today, just with our smile and presence. It doesn't have to take much.

Indian Summer

Here we are again with an Indian summer. An Indian summer is an unseasonably warm and dry period in spring or autumn (usually autumn). I recently did some research into where that term comes from, and it goes all the way back to the year 1851, mentioned in a letter, in French. It is possible that the usage came about due to the warm and hazy conditions in autumn during which the Native Americans would hunt.

Technically, we have five more days of actual summer, as the first day of autumn is the 22nd. But I predict an Indian summer, because these September days have been warmer than the whole of our summer put together. This happened last year too, with conditions fueling the wildfires that stretch across the state. Wildfire season started early this year, and, unfortunately, I think there are more fires than in years past. Thanks a lot, greenhouse gases.

I have written extensively about my love for autumn, and sadly, I don't think we're going to get much of one. It seems that in the Bay Area, we get one long spring during part of winter, spring and summer, a short summer in autumn and one brief autumn in winter. Three seasons, out of whack. And not enough rain.

I wish I could say I love the deep blue skies of September. I really don't. This morning we had some little cloud cover but it is quickly blowing away into nothing. It's true that the sky seems bluer in September than in other months. Well, except maybe February. I wonder what phenomenon causes that appearance. Or maybe it is an illusion. 

Today's tea is Himalayan White. It was rather bland this morning as it is a second steeping, left over from yesterday. Sometimes the Himalayan White does well with a second steeping, but not today. I'm trying to think of a good fall tea, and all I can think of is chai. I have a little chai left, maybe I'll use it to celebrate the first day of autumn. 

I checked the weather forecast, and it's nothing but sun for the next week. This is why I don't appreciate the blue skies- it's all we get, no variation. Today and tomorrow we are only partly cloudy, and then that's it for the next six days. I wish I had control of the weather. If I had my way, we'd be cloudy every day and rainy every other. Not a heavy rain, just a nice drizzle. Pitter, patter. Someday.

Gratitude

There is so much to be grateful for in life. How many of us really take the time to count all our blessings, take a deep breath and really see what we have? Even if it's not much, it's still everything. 

I am grateful for my dear husband. He works long hours to support us and I know he is tired. God gives him the strength to carry on and I am grateful for that, too. I am grateful for his attentive care.

I am grateful for the food I have to eat, provided by my husband. It's not fancy, and we sometimes have to go to the community food pantry to supplement what we have, but it's enough. I'm grateful for the existence of the food pantry.

I am grateful for my home. It too is not fancy, but I wouldn't want it to be. I live in a motorhome, and it suits our needs just fine. I am grateful that we have a space to put our motorhome and that there is a beautiful park close by where I can walk and enjoy nature.

I am grateful for my family. The three closest members of my family have all passed away, and I am grateful for the few I have left. I don't see them very often, but they are there for me.

I am grateful for my friends. They have stuck by me through the worst of my mental health crises, and they continue to care for me. Even if it's just a hello text, I am grateful for that. I don't see them very often, either, but they are just a phone call away.

I am grateful that I live in a part of the country that does not see extreme weather. We don't have floods, tornadoes, hurricanes, or blizzards. There are wildfires not too far from us, but I am grateful that they have never come too near. Where I am, it is neither too hot nor too cold. What a blessing.

What are you grateful for?

Mental Health

I haven't written much about my personal life on this blog, and truthfully it's been a stressful year. I've been having mental health issues since the spring of 2016. Then, one year ago, I began having hallucinations and had a total mental breakdown. You wouldn't believe the things I have seen, or thought I've seen. I've been in and out of mental hospitals, most recently in late February and early March. 

I have been given various diagnoses, ranging from bipolar disorder to major depression with psychosis. The bipolar diagnosis didn't sit well with me, as I only had anxiety attacks and insomnia as a result of taking Prozac, not a full blown mania. I have done a bit of my own research into my symptoms and found that there is a disorder that matches what I'm going through. The doctor who said I have major depression with psychosis should have diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder, because that's exactly what it is.

Schizoaffective disorder comprises hallucinations, delusions, disorganized communication and a mood disorder, either bipolar or major depression. That's me. I have schizoaffective disorder, and I'm disappointed that no doctor diagnosed me as such. But regardless, it's nice to have a name for what I've been through. The medications I was put on are basically the same as those for schizoaffective disorder. I'm nearly out of my last medication, I was put on Zoloft, Seroquel, Clonopin, and Zyprexa, and all I have left is the Zyprexa. I no longer have health insurance, so when I run out, I will have no way to get a prescription.

But knowing that I have a real disorder is such a help. I can put a name to it and do my research accordingly. From what I've seen, doctors don't yet know much about the disorder, and treatment is borrowed from that for schizophrenia and depression. Which makes sense, as schizoaffective disorder is essentially a hybrid of the two.

I am convinced that I can fight this disorder with exercise and herbs. I am walking three miles a day, taking 150 mg of St. John's Wort daily, and 30 drops of Ashwagandha tincture. Ashwagandha is an Indian ayurvedic herb which helps the body adapt to stresses, or simply, it is an adaptogen. The St. John's Wort is for depression, and while I still experience depressive symptoms, I have been able to keep a basic functioning. I am able to get up every day, shower, clean house and do basic cooking. I'm not doing anything spectacular, just the basics. That's all I am capable of. 

I have only had a few psychotic episodes since my last hospitalization and they have been mild. Frightening, but mild, compared to last year's onslaught. My hallucinations are really terrifying, and I've heard voices telling me to kill myself. I did have one suicide attempt in February of last year. That was when I was on the lithium for bipolar disorder, which I know now wasn't the right diagnosis. Clearly, the lithium wasn't helping.

I encourage anyone who experiences mental health issues to get help sooner rather than later. I think I waited too long. I thought I could do it on my own, and I ended up with a whangdoodle of an episode that lasted over a month. I don't have a doctor now, but that's just because I don't have a job that provides health insurance. I am armed with knowledge and feel that is enough for now. Time will tell how I do without the Zyprexa, but at least now I know what to expect and what the warning signs are. 

There's no shame in having a mental health problem. There are many people in the world who have them, and it's a disease just like any other, like diabetes or cancer. Most of it is inherited. My grandfather had bipolar disorder. My father had depression, and my mother had anxiety attacks. So there is no shame, no stigma, it just is what it is. And getting help late is better than never.

A Short Note on Football

You may be asking yourself, what's the wandering with hope girl doing talking about football?! Well, opening the TuneIn radio webpage today, the first thing that popped up was the NFL. "Touchdoooown," the screen read. I wish I had a way to get rid of that screen and just open up to my radio stations. I have no love for American football.

Yes, I said American football. Because the real football, called "soccer" in the United States, should be called football. Every other nation in the world calls it football. You use your feet ninety percent of the time, and no hands allowed. In American football, you only use your feet to touch the ball maybe twenty percent of the time. Or less. Most of the time, the ball is in someone's hands or in the air, having been thrown. With hands. Why isn't the sport called handball? Or throwball? I call it knuckle-head-ball.

Why are we the only people who call football, soccer and American football, football? Well I suppose it's the same reason we're the only nation that doesn't use the metric system. We're the oddballs of the world, and just because we're a superpower, we proudly display and hold onto our "individualism" and uniqueness. I think it's quite a bit of stubbornness, too. 

I, for one, will call soccer, football, and football, American football. Time to buck one trend and fall into another. For what it's worth, falling in with the rest of the world isn't such a bad thing. After all, football (soccer) is the beautiful game. Beloved by the whole world. American football is ugly, brutal and causes brain damage to the players. In my hometown, children have died during football practice. I have never heard of anyone dying during soccer practice. Yes, injuries do occur in football (soccer) but they are relatively mild compared to the heavy beating one's body- and head- takes in American football.

There has been much controversy over Colin Kaepernick's decision to take a knee during the flag salute (or was it the national anthem?). I wholeheartedly support this move, as it is an elegant and respectful form of protest, no marching or yelling required, and I also wouldn't mind if this controversy would just take the whole NFL down with it. I know time has passed since then, and it looks like the NFL is here to stay. One can always dream.

Mindful Consumption

I am reading Thich Nhat Hanh's book, Creating True Peace, and in it he outlines five mindfulness trainings. The fifth training helps us be mindful of what we consume, and in particular, teaches us not to consume alcoholic beverages and to abstain from eating meat. Now I've seldom had a problem with alcohol, I only abused it twice in my life when I could not sleep. And eating meat is something I've gone back and forth about. I tried being vegetarian for about a month or so, and it was too difficult. My husband wasn't on board, and it was difficult to find vegetarian options out to eat.

But in reading this book, I am reminded of one of the reasons not to consume alcohol or meat- grains. Untold amounts of grains, which could be used to feed starving people throughout the world, are used every day to produce alcohol and to feed livestock. Who is drinking the alcohol and eating the livestock? The fortunate ones, people with wealth. They (we) do so without giving a thought to the waste of food that could be distributed among the poorest.

My father was an alcoholic. He wasn't a belligerent drunk; he was actually very entertaining when he'd drink. He was functional, still able to get up and go to work every day. But the real toll the alcohol took on him was on his body. I never followed in his drunken footsteps thankfully, nor did I smoke, seeing the damage it did to him. But we never gave a thought to where the alcohol came from, how it was made, and what a better use of resources would look like. Now the cigarettes I have no patience for; they are toxic from beginning to end, from production to ashes. But regarding alcohol, I've been rather neutral. I considered the effects of the alcohol on the person, but didn't consider what goes into the production of alcohol. There is nothing redeeming about it.

This Saturday, my husband and I will be meeting up with his coworkers at a brewery for lunch. I was planning on having a good beer with my lunch, but now I'm not so certain I want to do that. I am hoping my self-control will kick in and I won't give in to the desire to try a good craft beer. I really want to do the right thing.

I have not had alcohol in over a year due to my medication, but seeing as I am weaning off the medication, I was planning to give it a try. Hopefully, I will be able to abstain. But this is where things get sticky. Even if I don't purchase alcohol at this event, I will still be contributing to the production of alcohol by eating the food at the brewery. I suppose it's the lesser of two evils. 

In the book, Hanh writes that to make one glass of rice wine it takes a whole basket of rice. I don't know how much hops or wheat goes into each glass of beer. And it never occurred to me that all the grapes that go into a glass of wine could feed hungry people instead. I'm on the fence about it, still. St. Paul in one of his letters to Timothy writes about taking a bit of wine as an aid to the stomach. And wine is produced for communion as well. So it can't all be bad. I think for me, grape wine is the exception. Beer and rice wine, well, we can do without those.

On the Spirituality of Nature

I haven't written on the subject of spirituality for a long time, and truthfully, haven't spent enough time on the subject in my own life. I have been on a journey of faith, and while I know Christianity is the one true religion, there is more to it.

We have, as a collective people, long neglected our earth. People are so focused on the hereafter (which isn't necessarily a bad thing) that they have lost sight of what is right in front of them. This wouldn't be so bad if it didn't result in environmental problems such as human-induced climate change, glacial melt, species loss, and polluted water sources. The loss of clean water in particular should be a wake-up call to humanity.

It is a sin to neglect the earth, to harm it or to turn a blind eye to the harm done to it by others. Pope Francis laid it all out in his encyclical Laudato Si. But I'm not convinced that Catholics took much notice. I have long felt a spiritual connection with the earth, and while I don't have much personal power to protect it, I feel the need to speak out now on its behalf.

When I was in college, I had mystical spiritual experiences with daffodils on campus. I know it sounds nutty, but they were there, waving hello to me in the breeze, "speaking" to me of God. God's presence resides in the trees, the stones, the flowers, everything. Do Catholics even see it? Do they hear Him calling to them through the woods, the sea? St. Francis of Assisi is one of the only saints I know of who felt this special connection to the earth and its creatures. I always wanted to be a Franciscan, for I felt a closeness to Francis' joyful appreciation of the Sun, the Wind, the animals.

The Great Spirit, or Creator, of Native American belief is, I believe, one and the same with the God of Christianity. The Native Americans don't see a break between God and nature; to them it is all one, and they respect the earth accordingly. These days I feel more at home with Native spiritual beliefs than with my own Catholic upbringing. God is transcendent yet imminent.

I know that there is no one Native doctrine, and I want to steer clear of cultural misappropriation, but on a basic level, Native faith is what speaks to me of God the best. God is everywhere, not just in a box in a church. I'm not in any way discounting the importance of adoration of God in the box in the church. He is truly present there, yes. But we have neglected the worship of Him who inhabits the earth as a whole, and the earth which sustains our physical bodies is suffering because we simply don't care enough. 

There is a mural on the side of a convenience store in Berkeley which delineates the suffering the earth undergoes at our hands. The last sentence reads, "Do we have the courage to care?" Well, do we?

Coconut Oil Deodorant

Many have written of the benefits of coconut oil for hair, skin, and internally, as it moisturizes, contains lauric acid which kills harmful microorganisms, and smells and tastes delicious. I have been making my own toothpaste and deodorant for over a year now, and the results have been great. Coconut oil works as a great antibacterial, moisturizing base for deodorant.

To fill a 2 oz. jar (leftover from when I bought natural deodorant), I combine 3-4 tbsp. unrefined coconut oil, 2-4 tbsp. baking soda, 2-4 tbsp. arrowroot powder (you can also use cornstarch), and 5-10 drops of essential oil of your choice. I used camphor and cedarwood for a woodsy fragrance. You can also add a couple tablespoons of shea butter for a thicker consistency. I choose not to because I have limited means and want to save my shea butter for other uses. I have loosely based this recipe on Wellness Mama's. 

Since last year, Wellness Mama has been my number one favorite website for all things crunchy and natural. Anyway, as to the kind of coconut oil, because of my budget I use whatever Grocery Outlet has available, but if I had my way I would purchase Dr. Bronner's organic virgin coconut oil every single time. Luckily for me, this week Grocery Outlet had a huge jar of it available. With Grocery Outlet, you never know what you're going to get! It's definitely a grab bag. Any organic, virgin coconut oil is your best bet. 

Arrowroot powder is usually available at health food stores and natural grocery stores. Its consistency is that of cornstarch, so of course you can substitute cornstarch for it, but I just happened to have arrowroot powder on hand instead. Use what you have. I'm all for saving money, so I say, don't go out on a limb if you don't have to.

The baking soda I used to be fussy about, because I read that your average baking soda contains aluminum, which is the main ingredient in deodorant which we are trying to avoid. But I recently read that it was a simple mix-up, like a game of telephone, that led to everyone being up in arms over the supposedly aluminum-laden baking soda. It's baking POWDER, not baking soda, which commonly contains aluminum. So your biscuits may be endangered, but not your armpits. Unless you swap the baking soda for baking powder in this recipe. Which I don't recommend doing. Thanks to Crunchy Betty for clearing this up for us.

In any event, I am pleased to make clean, fresh-scented deodorant for my husband, who, frankly, doesn't naturally smell too bad anyhow. In order to save, he is the only one who uses the d-i-y deodorant currently because I still have a liquid Jason deodorant that I use; I found it in the back of our bathroom cabinet. I don't get as stinky as he does, so for awhile I just dabbed a bit of baking soda under my arms while he uses the homemade concoction. 

I use an old Schmidt's jar (Schmidt's is a similar product, similar to Primal Pit Paste) which still has the little plastic scoop so you don't have to get your fingers messy, but some may find it easier to use the deodorant in stick form. If you want to fill an old stick deodorant container, I recommend adding the shea butter to the recipe for firmness. You could also melt a couple tablespoons of beeswax and add it to the coconut oil. I have beeswax, but I prefer to save it for making sunblock; besides, I don't have any old stick containers lying around to be used. Schmidt's it is.

So many have written about this brilliant recipe, I just had to add my two cents. I love it and enjoy making bath and body products at home. I have yet to make my own shampoo and conditioner, though. That's just daunting. I used to wash only with hot water and scrubbing, and condition with diluted apple cider vinegar, but my hair changed after using certain medications and I'm back on regular shampoo and conditioner. If anyone has any suggestions for natural shampoo, let me know!