Recovering

Good morning everyone. This morning's tea is white Himalayan. It's best, if you want a stronger cup of tea, to use more leaves rather than to over-steep the leaves. Over-steeping causes bitterness in the tea. Though I don't really mind that so much in a white tea.

Nothing going on here today, just doing my best to recover from a psychotic episode three days ago. It's so difficult to deal with these attacks; the anxiety caused by it lasts for days afterward. I'm still feeling the effects of it. It brings up my agoraphobia again. I tried to walk to the park yesterday and just couldn't do it.

Days like this are becoming more frequent. I had a similar episode on the 6th of this month, and have been slowly building up to the bigger episode that occurred on the 26th. It is very frustrating, to say the least. It impedes my ability to think straight, and to function normally. I lose the ability to remember important things, or anything at all, really, and have difficulty getting out of bed in the morning.

My goal is to always to get out of bed before ten, which I did today. Just by fifteen minutes, but it's better than nothing. It sure feels good to write, even though there's not much to write about. Mostly, I just wish that these attacks would leave me alone. I don't know what I am going to do today, because my anxiety is so high. 

Normally I take a walk to the park, but my effort yesterday precludes that today; I'm now too afraid to go. I feel paranoid, like someone is out to get me. I know it doesn't make any sense, but there it is. I am afraid of everyone and everything, except my husband of course. I wasn't always this way, and it's frustrating to think that I will always be like this. There isn't a known cure for schizoaffective disorder, and the prognosis isn't usually positive.

I hate to be such a downer on this otherwise positive blog, but that's just how I'm feeling today. I'm afraid to leave the house. We're supposed to be meeting with our landlady today at 2:30 to discuss doing some work for her. That's enough for one day; I hope I can remember all that she asks of us. My mind goes blank at an alarming rate. 

It's like a loop that my brain goes through; I try to hold onto the memories as they slip away, and then the blank feeling comes and wipes my mind clean and it starts again. Very frustrating. I think I'll just have my smoothie and make the bed. Every little action helps.