Mental Health

I haven't written much about my personal life on this blog, and truthfully it's been a stressful year. I've been having mental health issues since the spring of 2016. Then, one year ago, I began having hallucinations and had a total mental breakdown. You wouldn't believe the things I have seen, or thought I've seen. I've been in and out of mental hospitals, most recently in late February and early March. 

I have been given various diagnoses, ranging from bipolar disorder to major depression with psychosis. The bipolar diagnosis didn't sit well with me, as I only had anxiety attacks and insomnia as a result of taking Prozac, not a full blown mania. I have done a bit of my own research into my symptoms and found that there is a disorder that matches what I'm going through. The doctor who said I have major depression with psychosis should have diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder, because that's exactly what it is.

Schizoaffective disorder comprises hallucinations, delusions, disorganized communication and a mood disorder, either bipolar or major depression. That's me. I have schizoaffective disorder, and I'm disappointed that no doctor diagnosed me as such. But regardless, it's nice to have a name for what I've been through. The medications I was put on are basically the same as those for schizoaffective disorder. I'm nearly out of my last medication, I was put on Zoloft, Seroquel, Clonopin, and Zyprexa, and all I have left is the Zyprexa. I no longer have health insurance, so when I run out, I will have no way to get a prescription.

But knowing that I have a real disorder is such a help. I can put a name to it and do my research accordingly. From what I've seen, doctors don't yet know much about the disorder, and treatment is borrowed from that for schizophrenia and depression. Which makes sense, as schizoaffective disorder is essentially a hybrid of the two.

I am convinced that I can fight this disorder with exercise and herbs. I am walking three miles a day, taking 150 mg of St. John's Wort daily, and 30 drops of Ashwagandha tincture. Ashwagandha is an Indian ayurvedic herb which helps the body adapt to stresses, or simply, it is an adaptogen. The St. John's Wort is for depression, and while I still experience depressive symptoms, I have been able to keep a basic functioning. I am able to get up every day, shower, clean house and do basic cooking. I'm not doing anything spectacular, just the basics. That's all I am capable of. 

I have only had a few psychotic episodes since my last hospitalization and they have been mild. Frightening, but mild, compared to last year's onslaught. My hallucinations are really terrifying, and I've heard voices telling me to kill myself. I did have one suicide attempt in February of last year. That was when I was on the lithium for bipolar disorder, which I know now wasn't the right diagnosis. Clearly, the lithium wasn't helping.

I encourage anyone who experiences mental health issues to get help sooner rather than later. I think I waited too long. I thought I could do it on my own, and I ended up with a whangdoodle of an episode that lasted over a month. I don't have a doctor now, but that's just because I don't have a job that provides health insurance. I am armed with knowledge and feel that is enough for now. Time will tell how I do without the Zyprexa, but at least now I know what to expect and what the warning signs are. 

There's no shame in having a mental health problem. There are many people in the world who have them, and it's a disease just like any other, like diabetes or cancer. Most of it is inherited. My grandfather had bipolar disorder. My father had depression, and my mother had anxiety attacks. So there is no shame, no stigma, it just is what it is. And getting help late is better than never.