The Nutty Bag Lady

I have been diagnosed as bipolar with panic and OCD. Whatever it is, I feel completely nuts. I can’t even type with the same accuracy as I once did. My anxiety has overtaken me, and it feels as though I am capable of absolutely nothing at the same level of ability as before this all started. When I try to speak, my thoughts feel like they are squeezing through a layer of molasses before they surface. I often can’t place the right words. When I am not speaking, my thoughts are all over the place.

I’m at a low level of anxiety at all times, but it peaks when I’m alone. The deep depression (the same which started all of this) isn’t really gone, though I do have more frequent positive moods. Thank goodness. Currently, I feel depressed because of my debilitating anxiety, yet anxious because of the deeper reasons I am depressed. Sometimes I think I’m anxious for no reason at all. Mostly, I’m sick and tired of feeling this way, but when I make moves toward going back to my pre-crazy state, I spin my wheels, panic, or implode. I second-guess nearly every thought, and am left constantly wondering, how did I do all this before?

I used to walk alone for miles. I used to be able to take public transportation. Heck, for awhile there I was even driving. I was able to stay home alone happily homemaking and journaling. I can currently do none of these. My life has shrunk to almost nil. I don’t even want to start talking about work, that’s probably the worst of it all with my constant derealization and panic attacks. I don’t know what happened in my brain to make me so neurotic. I am praying to God to make me like I was before. Please God, let me go back to normal, or even halfway normal. Anything but this. Anything. I am afraid my husband will leave me, I will lose my job, and be a homeless crazy person, the nutty bag lady. I am not kidding. I don’t feel capable or competent.

I sometimes talk and don’t recognize my own voice. It’s not uncommon for me to feel distant from the face in the mirror. I have gained weight and don’t recognize my body. I love my husband but often feel numb around him. I sometimes can’t tell what’s real and not real- is it my medication or would I be like this even without it? I often get the feeling that I’m shrinking into tunnel vision and/or am melting into the floor. Also, I often don’t feel connected to my body or my surroundings. There are many other weird things I am dealing with that I just don’t want to go over; I’m so weary of it all. The decline in my typing is what really gets me; editing for others was something I took pride in. I used to be an incredibly fast and accurate typist; typos are among my greatest pet peeves. And now I frequently end up second-guessing my spelling and typing some words over and over because I can’t get it right. I was a spelling bee champion and now am stumbling over common words. I don’t even feel connected to the hands typing this. Please God get me back to normal.

I want to wake up tomorrow and just be myself again. Let the nutty bag lady just fade away.